the destructive liveliness.

I love my job as much as I hate it. 

The truth to be told, I might have developed this weird love-hate relationship with my job.

***

“Don’t be silly. I know you love being busy. You love it so much until it hurts!” kata seorang sahabat ketika saya sedang mengeluh padanya soal pekerjaan saya saat ini.

Keadaannya saat itu adalah saya belum tidur cukup sekitar tiga hari berturut-turut karena lembur, sedang menghadapi rangkaian pitching tak berujung yang mengharuskan saya brainstorming bersama team setiap hari, ditambah mengurusi obsesi pribadi ikut award yang ternyata sama sekali tidak mudah. Kepala saya semacam siap meledak dalam hitungan jam. Dan saat saya bilang meledak, saya benar-benar membayangkan bola-bola mata yang melompat keluar, bagian otak yang berceceran, dan rambut yang berterbangan. Iya, terkadang saya memdefinisikan pekerjaan saya sebagai sesuatu yang sangat destruktif. Karena mungkin Ia memang begitu.

Tapi anehnya, dibalik semua perasaan tersiksa dan wajah ‘kenceng’ yang selalu seperti mau bilang JANGAN-GANGGU-ATAU-SIAP-DIPOTONG-DADU, saya merasakan reaksi kimia yang mendebarkan. Mungkin penjelasan paling sederhananya adalah adrenalin. Semua hal tentang pekerjaan ini membuat adrenalin saya menari-nari tidak beraturan. Deadline yang tiba-tiba maju tanpa alasan, meeting internal alot yang bisa membuat teman tiba-tiba jadi seperti monster, presentasi bersama client bitchy yang bikin darah mendidih. Siapa bilang segala hal yang berhubungan dengan pekerjaan membuat orang susah punya kehidupan. Semakin sibuk, semakin chaos, semakin intense, saya semakin merasa hidup.

“Yeah, maybe I am. But, please let me talk this crap out. At least let’s play along as if I actually hate it just a little and love myself more…” dan saya pun tertawa. Entah dulu saya membuat perjanjian dengan iblis atau apa, saat pertama kali memutuskan bekerja seperti sekarang. Yang jelas saya membutuhkan sensasi kontradiktif ini sebagai alasan untuk bangun setiap pagi.

Just to feel the destructive liveliness. 

***

I decided to take off from work early tonight and go straight home. 

I felt slightly in love with myself, and it wasn’t so bad at all.

"i can't begin to explain

how we disassemble the parts and frame

baby it's the same late morning

the same no show

it's the same fucking habits

i guess we don't know

all of this is tearing us apart

i don't know where us or this start

all of this is tearing us apart

i don't know where us or this start..."

--Naked and Famous, on : All of This.

to give it all up, completely.

And you see, the oddities of life, they are all there to tell you something. That sometimes, the life itself, it’s not so bad. 

It’s just waiting there for you to make it not all so bad.

***

How many times did you think every moment in your life should be grand? The moment you finally left the job you hate, the moment you tell your parents you want to start standing on your own feet, the moment you tell somebody you love him.

In my so-called-life, I thought big decisions needs to be taken care carefully. I thought I have to had a really good timing and create the moments. Just to make sure they’re magical enough, and by that I won’t make any errors.

But then I forgot one thing. I can’t make the universe waiting for me. It works just beyond my plans, beyond my every count. It has a very weird sense of humor I supposed to say. Because once, It told me to gave up something to took another chance. A chance to be genuinely happy. I took the chance. In fact I’m a moron if I didn’t. It’s just, I didn’t know one thing until just now.

What I didn’t know, that happen to be the most important thing, that chance I took before, It doesn’t just work magically. It’s a work in progress. It’s the ability to give up things and took better chances, I guess.

That doesn’t really need a lot of planning or series of grand moments. It only needs a will.

***

As he slowly touch my fingers and finally fully hold my hand, I began to think about you, about the oddities, about the magic, about the chemistry, about all the grand moments we create, that I believe I wouldn’t be able to recreate with anyone else. I had to give all of those up. I just had to.

In a very odd way, I gave it all up completely. Finally.

***

"here's where the story ends 
ooh here's where the story ends 

it's that little souvenir of a terrible year
which makes my eyes feel sore
oh I never should have said, the books that you read
were all I loved you for

it's that little souvenir of a terrible year
which makes me wonder why
and it's the memories of your shed that make me turn red
surprise, surprise, surprise..."

---The Sundays, on : Here's Where The Story Ends.

you're borrowed.

Someday I'll find a way to get you back.

***

Dia menangis tak terkendali malam itu.

Menangisi kontradiksi yang membingungkan dalam hidupnya. Saat bagian-bagian lain mulai tersusun dan saling mengisi sesuai dengan apa yang direncanakannya, ada satu hal yang terus membuatnya terkaget-kaget. Rasa kehilangan yang begitu besar. Hampir sebesar keinginannya untuk melupakan, yang terkadang bisa membuat segala hal yang telah berhasil diaturnya kembali berserakan.

Dia sering berkata pada dirinya sendiri, ini hanya sebuah fase patah hati. Mungkin yang jenisnya paling parah. Tapi tentu saja dia yakin bisa mengatasinya. Dia pernah melalui hal-hal yang lebih mengerikan dari ini, kenapa harus takut sekarang. Dia berencana menyerap semua perasaan yang menyakitkan itu hingga mati rasa, lalu pelan-pelan menguburnya, dan melanjutkan hidup.

Hanya saja, setelah beberapa lama Ia baru mengerti, ini bukan hal yang bisa direncanakan dengan strategi sehebat apapun. Karena ini adalah tentang merelakan. Seperti membiarkan sepatu kesayangnya dipinjam dan tidak kembali. Sampai kapanpun, sepatu itu akan terus menjadi kesayangannya. Dan dia tahu, dia akan mati penasaran sampai akhirnya mengetahui bagaimana mendapatkannya kembali dan benar-benar mencoba.

***

But I know one day you’ll get it.

And you’ll pick me up, kiss my eyes, and say, “sorry it took me so long.”

should've ended better.

There are times when you just can't get out of bed or wash your hair, thinking back to the thing that should've ended better.

I wish I were stronger.

Maybe, that would make you stay.

***

"for lovers : when pete loves kate." 

This mixtape is made to help you soak it all up, get numb, and wake up with less regret. 

For Lovers -Wolfman Feat. Pete Doherty.

Pale Blue Eyes -The Kills

Some Kinda Love -The Velvet Underground

With A Girl Like You -The Troggs.

I’ll Be Your Man -The Black Keys.

I’m Into Something Good -Jr. James and The Late Guitar.

There She Goes -The LA’s

Just Like Heaven -Taking Back Sunday

Dancing In The Dark -The Temper Trap

This Charming Man -The Smiths

Boys Don’t Cry -The Cure

I Melt With You -Modern English

Wouldn’t It Be Nice -The Beach Boys

***

“I’m tired. I can’t do this anymore.”

“I was hoping that you would be strong. But you know, all that I ever really hope is for you to be happy...”