Do
you believe in happy ending?
Sometimes,
I have a hard time believing it.
It’s
so much easier to believe in other things.
Things
like “life is a series of bitter disappointment and ungranted wishes”.
***
I
always think I’m different.
I
want what others don’t, I don’t want what others do. Wanting to live on my own
beat, rebelling all over, not caring of what people say. But don’t get me
wrong. I’m not really into those kinds of attention seeking or something like
that. I just want to feel good about myself. Feel certain that nothing will
stop me from doing anything I like. Because you know, in life everything’s
uncertain. And uncertainty, isn’t that the scariest thing?
For
most of us, life starts at 17. Sweet seventeen, prom, losing virginity, first
love, first alcohol, first drug, discovering our real musical interest, moving
out from the family house. At that time we almost certain that life will be lot
more fun and interesting. Well at least I was. I thought life would be easy as
I have more options. What I forgot was options are there to be decided.
Suddenly, it wasn’t fun anymore. Because I know, I won’t know if I decide to do
the right option or not, until the ending reveals everything.
And
that ending, it’s way more uncertain than whether I would pass high school or
not.
Who
knows when will the ending come. When you survive the awkward teenage years? Or
when you started to become reckless young adult and make it to 27 alive? When
you get over your first ever love? Or when you finally found the one you want
to spend the rest of your life with? When you decided to end your miserable
life and sober up? Or when you just embrace your misery and live it as it is?
I
don’t know. No one knows.
And
while I try to get use to all of these confusing uncertain endings, everything
unravels. Too much decision making that I don’t even know what’s best anymore.
Oh, who am I to decide what’s best, anyway. I slowly get tired, I get exhausted.
Silently, in my after-drunk-before-sleep nights I admit it to myself, well,
maybe, it’s just maybe, at the end I’m just like anybody else. I want to be
happy. I want everything to end happily ever after.
***
“Please
don’t tell anyone this, but… I want to be happy.”
“Of
course you do. Everyone does.”
“Yeah,
but I didn’t think that I did…” ----Hannah Horvat, on ‘Girls’ Season 2.
