Saturday, May 18, 2013

happily ends happy ending.

Do you believe in happy ending?
Sometimes, I have a hard time believing it.
It’s so much easier to believe in other things.
Things like “life is a series of bitter disappointment and ungranted wishes”.


I always think I’m different.
I want what others don’t, I don’t want what others do. Wanting to live on my own beat, rebelling all over, not caring of what people say. But don’t get me wrong. I’m not really into those kinds of attention seeking or something like that. I just want to feel good about myself. Feel certain that nothing will stop me from doing anything I like. Because you know, in life everything’s uncertain. And uncertainty, isn’t that the scariest thing?

For most of us, life starts at 17. Sweet seventeen, prom, losing virginity, first love, first alcohol, first drug, discovering our real musical interest, moving out from the family house. At that time we almost certain that life will be lot more fun and interesting. Well at least I was. I thought life would be easy as I have more options. What I forgot was options are there to be decided. Suddenly, it wasn’t fun anymore. Because I know, I won’t know if I decide to do the right option or not, until the ending reveals everything.

And that ending, it’s way more uncertain than whether I would pass high school or not.

Who knows when will the ending come. When you survive the awkward teenage years? Or when you started to become reckless young adult and make it to 27 alive? When you get over your first ever love? Or when you finally found the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? When you decided to end your miserable life and sober up? Or when you just embrace your misery and live it as it is?

I don’t know. No one knows.
And while I try to get use to all of these confusing uncertain endings, everything unravels. Too much decision making that I don’t even know what’s best anymore. Oh, who am I to decide what’s best, anyway. I slowly get tired, I get exhausted. Silently, in my after-drunk-before-sleep nights I admit it to myself, well, maybe, it’s just maybe, at the end I’m just like anybody else. I want to be happy. I want everything to end happily ever after.


“Please don’t tell anyone this, but… I want to be happy.”
“Of course you do. Everyone does.”
“Yeah, but I didn’t think that I did…” ----Hannah Horvat, on ‘Girls’ Season 2.