Monday, February 12, 2018

A freeloader.

It has been sunny all day, but then the rain pours down as if the sky understands what I feel. I’ve been holding up, but then I can’t help but burst all the tears down.


She woke up with dizzy fuzzy head. Puffy eyes too, her eyes were sore. Not that she cared. The only one that stung so bad she couldn’t ignore was inside her chest. The place where she put him so deeply, so dearly.

So deep, until sometimes it’s hard to reach in and express the feeling the way it should. So dearly, until intentions to smother him near were the only thing that came out.

She knew she couldn’t blame him.

He was just too nice, too warm, too cozy. Too everything that made her feel welcomed every time they locked eyes.

But that morning she realised one thing. That she had overstayed her welcome. She was a free-loader. Came knocking his door with nothing to give in arms and asking for so much in return.

She also knew, ‘now’ was too late to offer him anything back, except the space she occupied for too long in him. So she walked out through the door. Trying to hold it all together until the time he decides to open up again.


I look up to the sky. Hoping I would be able to send you my sorry through it.
I'm sorry, I truly do.


"All I have, I will give to you
In dark times when no one wants to
I will give you me
And we'll be

All I have, I will give to you
In dark times when no one wants to
I will give you me
And we'll be
And there's no one else

Who knows me
Like you do
All I've done, you've done too
The walls I
Hide behind
You walk through
You just walk through

Well I know all the words
To take you apart
You know I know you're hurt
I want to mend your heart
You're broke down
Why don't you tell me from the start?
You know I know you're hurt
I want to mend your heart
And there's no one else."
--Our Song, The XX.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Ada yang aneh

Sunday, August 20, 2017

That something I asked you.

“Do you have someone you always think about from time to time?” I asked you. Hoping for a blunt truth that would sting a bit, but felt real.

Then you started to ramble about non-sense, “Yeah, maybe… I guess. I definitely think about some people when going to places I’d been too with them. Some names would come up sometimes.”

“No I mean, one particular person. Someone that you remember so fondly and hatefully, but can do nothing about”

“Umm… No. Some people, some exes, if that’s what you mean… Yeah, maybe... But never one particular name.”

I stayed quite. So did you.

My mind was busy wandering around. Started making ugly accusation of you telling me bullshit just to make me feel guilty of asking at the first place. Because it thought, no way you never encountered someone that marked your life so awfully deep, that this person would creep your mind occasionally, randomly, unguardedly.

But then it decided to make other theory. Maybe not everyone would be able to feel as deep. Maybe some people choose to forgive and forget. Maybe they’re so good at burying things, names in this case, and just let everything slide.

“So, I think I will cut my hair today,” you broke the silence, trying to sound casual. I also knew what else you were trying to do. You wanted to let it slide.

And I did.

“Oh. Okay,” I said. “Just make sure, not too short.”

“Of course…” you answered. “I love you,” you continued. Not an obligatory ‘I-love-you-s’ you sometime say when you are cornered, it was a genuine one.

“I love you, too,” I said it back. Also genuinely. I never lied about that. On some other things maybe. But hey, we can always let it slide.

Image: Google


“I remember sitting back
'cause you said you had something to say
You told me that you had a secret
Promised to keep it safe
I kept it for you
And there was nothing I could do
and there was nothing I could say
I didn't know why you asked me,
you're gonna do it anyway…” ---Corrine Bailey Rae, on: Young and Foolish

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

A bit about #AgencyLyfe that sometimes bites.

Not the long hours you spent at work, brainstorming something that might save the (clients from saving the) world. Also not the cruel comments, heart-wrecking deadlines, or passive aggressive manners the bosses will throw near the award season.

It's the mind-fuck atmosphere. The world of creative ideas and snob geniuses who rule it. The space that open enough to change any heart, the wind that blows just enough not to give any sane-mind a break.

You'll get really used to it. You'll learn the pace, the speed, the crack, the loose ends. Making excuses to abuse your own self with a judgement of how revolutionary your thoughts were, are and will be. And finally make a self-proclaimed peace that it's okay to feel that you're better than anybody. In the industry. In the country. In the world? Probably in the world you create on your own. Yeah. Because, you know better.

Once you got in, you'll never had the guts to get out. Because what else you know to do better than this? You don't know.


Saturday, February 18, 2017

The Imaginary Argument.

"You're not falling in love with me. You're falling in love with the idea of getting married with somebody that possibly be me and could also be anyone else. That scares me."

"You're not afraid of that. You're afraid of falling in love with somebody, wanting to marry him, and the possibility that he could be someone like me. Now, THAT IS scary."


I'm an Emotional Tourist.

Exploring depth in people. Visiting parts of their joy and also got to taste the tips of what they fear the most.

I'm an emotional tourist.

Taking adventure through their mountain high of excitements on the daylight. Diving into the sea-bottom of things that sadden them at night.

I'm an emotional tourist.

I'll go find the self-proclaimed peace in their aurora and fight for their roller-coaster wild ambition with them. I'll be the the trail in their hikes, the oasis to their quest. Following their steps to whatever bucket-list they want to tick.

I'm an emotional tourist.

I stay there for a while then I stroll on to another road of emotional tripping. Another depth, another parts, another tips, another mountains, another sea, another oasis, another roller-coaster.

Another place to see the world with a brand new eyes.


Friday, September 16, 2016

The thought of you.

I’m afraid. I’m terrified.
Not of you. Never of you.
But rather about you. The thought of you.


Sebuah ide. Tentang sebuah keadaan. Bersama seseorang. Dan betapa cepatnya dia merasakannya. Itu yang selalu menakutkan untuknya. Apapun ceritanya, dia hanya takut, jika tiba saatnya dia bangun dari tidur dan menemukan bahwa semuanya cuma sepenggal mimpi kesiangan.


The speed of this scares me. The kind of scare that excites. 
I thought you should know that.


"Do you remember
When we met?
That's the day I knew you were my pet
I want to tell you
How much I love you

Come with me my love
To the sea 
The sea of love
I want to tell you
How much I love you..."

--Cat Power, on 'Sea of Love".

Thursday, September 15, 2016

"Do you want a glass of water?"

Mungkin karena hormon jahanam. Atau justru karena malam di kota Bandung yang selalu menghanyutkan. Bisa jadi perpaduan keduanya. Atau justru karena hal lain yang sangat berbeda. Dia tiba-tiba menyadari beberapa hal yang membuatnya merasa haru. Dan dalam birunya, tangis itu pun meleleh.


“Do I deserve these much kindness?”
“Do I deserve to be happy?”

Begitu banyak pertanyaan yang selama ini hanya tersimpan sebagai sebuah diskusi klasik dengan dirinya sendiri, terlontar keluar. Dengan leher tersedak tangis, dia tetap berusaha lirih mengucap, “Do I deserve you?”

Namun seseorang keburu memeluknya. Begitu erat sampai dia tidak bisa bergerak. Dia memejamkan mata. Ada keheningan janggal yang malah membuatnya merasakan begitu banyak.

Lalu seolah menyadarkannya dari ketidak warasan sesaat, dia mendengarnya berkata, “Do you want a glass of water?”

Mereka tertawa. Dia tahu dia terlalu banyak bertanya dan tak ada jawaban yang lebih menenangkan selain segelas air putih.

Dan sebuah pelukan, tentu saja.


Just trying to get by
No time to cry
No he can’t afford to
And she waits
Through everything
“Anything for you”

She’d love to know
Do you do you do you love me
He’d love to know
Do you do you do you love me
She needs to know
Do you do you do you need me
He needs to know
Do you do you do you need me
Like I need you…” –Tobias Jesso Jr., on ‘True Love’.