The thought of you.

I’m afraid. I’m terrified.

Not of you. Never of you.

But rather about you. The thought of you.

***

Sebuah ide. Tentang sebuah keadaan. Bersama seseorang. Dan betapa cepatnya dia merasakannya. Itu yang selalu menakutkan untuknya. Apapun ceritanya, dia hanya takut, jika tiba saatnya dia bangun dari tidur dan menemukan bahwa semuanya cuma sepenggal mimpi kesiangan.

***

The speed of this scares me. The kind of scare that excites. 

I thought you should know that.

***

"Do you remember
When we met?
That's the day I knew you were my pet
I want to tell you
How much I love you

Come with me my love
To the sea 
The sea of love
I want to tell you
How much I love you..."

--Cat Power, on 'Sea of Love".

"Do you want a glass of water?"

Mungkin karena hormon jahanam. Atau justru karena malam di kota Bandung yang selalu menghanyutkan. Bisa jadi perpaduan keduanya. Atau justru karena hal lain yang sangat berbeda. Dia tiba-tiba menyadari beberapa hal yang membuatnya merasa haru. Dan dalam birunya, tangis itu pun meleleh.

***

“Do I deserve these much kindness?”

“Do I deserve to be happy?”

Begitu banyak pertanyaan yang selama ini hanya tersimpan sebagai sebuah diskusi klasik dengan dirinya sendiri, terlontar keluar. Dengan leher tersedak tangis, dia tetap berusaha lirih mengucap, “Do I deserve you?”

Namun seseorang keburu memeluknya. Begitu erat sampai dia tidak bisa bergerak. Dia memejamkan mata. Ada keheningan janggal yang malah membuatnya merasakan begitu banyak.

Lalu seolah menyadarkannya dari ketidak warasan sesaat, dia mendengarnya berkata, “Do you want a glass of water?”

Mereka tertawa. Dia tahu dia terlalu banyak bertanya dan tak ada jawaban yang lebih menenangkan selain segelas air putih.

Dan sebuah pelukan, tentu saja.

***

“Everyday
Just trying to get by
No time to cry
No he can’t afford to
And she waits
Through everything
“Anything for you”

She’d love to know
Do you do you do you love me
He’d love to know
Do you do you do you love me
She needs to know
Do you do you do you need me
He needs to know
Do you do you do you need me
Like I need you…” –Tobias Jesso Jr., on ‘True Love’.

You are my number 13...

...But why I feel so lucky to have you?

***

Lucky Thirteen: the mixtape
Thirteen tracks, thirteen different feelings, about one particular person.

Time Go - Caught A Ghost
Surprise Yourself - Jack Garratt
Nothing but a Heartbeat - Say Lou Lou
Real Slow - Miami Horror ft. Sarah Chernoff
You're the One for Me - Great Good Fine Ok
How We Feel - Panama
Where the Sky Hangs - Passion Pit
2Shy - Shura
Drive - Oh Wonder
We Won't - James Young ft. Phoebe Ryan
All That - Carly Rae Jepsen
Fallingforyou - The 1975
ILYSB (Stripped) - LANY

About colors.

"It's broken white. Or is it?"
"No, it's pink."
"I only see it's white."
"Rrrr... It's more of a very light peachy pink."
"...." 
"...."

"Umm... Sorry..."
"No, you don't need to be. I promise you, from now on I'll show you all the colors in the world."

***

Because in your voice, I see colors.
The ones that make days not just brighter but also easy to bear.

***

"I've known you all my life but I knew you long before that too
Let's go dancing to the songs we wrote when we lived in the shadow of the moon
And I see colors when I hear your voice
Grab your wings, they're putting gravity on trial
I see colors, I don't hear the noise..."
--Taken from: Synesthesia, from Andrew McMahon.

The glazy eyes.

In those pair of glazy eyes she sought something she was unsure about.  She always knew there was something otherworldly about them. Something, she said to herself. But never she thought it would be so dearly.

***

It all started with the battle between curiosity and the need to juggle her-busy-but-empty days into something fun. The game she played so many times before that mostly ended in regrets. She said to herself, she would throw away all those expectations behind. She just didn’t want to be hurt again. She was very altogether. She was even sure that she would outsmart her own mind that sometimes play the victim card out of those tragic romantic tendency she always had.

Up until then. The particular night she saw vulnerability staring straight at her. Even in the dark of night, she could sense it. And for her, vulnerability is a serious kind of feeling that can’t be disregarded just like that. It’s one of the most sincere that no one can ever has the ability of faking. Even if someone could, she wouldn’t had the power to get away with it.

And just like that. Even a perfect plan had flaws. In her case—those pair of glazy eyes.

***

Instead, in those pair of glazy eyes she sees the kindness the world has to offer. She wants to keep them near no matter what, because she needs to witness it with her own two eyes to actually believe in it.

Through those pair of glazy eyes, she said.

Through those pair of glazy eyes and their otherworldly sincerity.

***

"Have you seen this film?
It reminds me of walking through the avenues.
We'll be washin' my hands of attachments, yeah,
land on the ground, one thing I'm missing...is in your eyes.
In your eyes.
In your eyes.
In your eyes.
In your eyes.
In your eyes.
In your eyes..."

—Taken from: Eyes, from Rogue Wave.

tiga kata.

Dan kamu tak akan pernah mengerti rasanya merindukan. Karena yang kamu tahu hanya mempertanyakan. 

***

Dia mengetik sebuah pesan. Tiga kata sederhana. 

Bukan, bukan 'I love you'. Meskipun diakuinya pernah ada saat-saat di mana terasa benar untuk mengucapkan tiga kata itu untuk orang yang sama. Tapi hari ini, malam ini, cukup 'I miss you'. Dan menurutnya, perasaan semacam itu bukan untuk disimpan sendiri. Dia ingin, dia perlu, berbagi. 

Karena, bukankah akan terlalu menyedihkan ketika dirasa sendiri?

***

Saya hanya bisa berharap, semoga rindu diam-diam datang dalam tidurmu, mengetuk kepalamu dengan kenyataan, 'Ternyata hanya dia, hanya dia...'

***

"Are you gonna be my love?

Are you gonna be mine?

I feel it falling from the skies above

Are you gonna be mine?

My wave, my shark, my demon in the dark

The blue tide pulling me under

Or are you my soul, my heart, 

pull everything apart?"

---Shark, by: Oh Wonder

The shark tale.

Once upon a time in a blue moon,

There was a shark that couldn’t swim,

He was afraid of drowning in that little stream he started.

Not because he couldn't swim,

Maybe he just hate the stream.

***

I remember all the things you said to me. Only everything more of a series of blur voices now.

I remember most of your crappy jokes. I remember that you said you are a sucker for gummy bear. I remember you said how rabbit should look like, fluffy. I remember you said you love your sneakers and fancy t-shirts, and how you honestly hate it when I mess with them. I remember you said you somehow like eating with plastic spoon that gives you the feeling of having a meal in jail every time. I remember you once said you want to fuck me again before we went out for breakfast if I allowed you to—which I obviously allowed anyway. I remember you told me you want to believe, just like the writing you have inked on your wrist. I remember you said you like my wits more than everything else. 

But most of all, I remember when you said you don’t want to lie about who you really are and giving people wrong impressions. The one particular thing that haunts me at night; you said, you would hate not being honest about what you feel.

I wish I could go back to that very moment. I want to hear all of it once again and asked you one thing right after; Do you really hate the idea of us being together that much?

***

Once upon a time in a blue moon,

There lived a fluffy rabbit.

Of course she couldn't swim either,

She hopped into the water anyway.

Waiting to get carried away with the stream,

That for once after long,

Excites her more than any other.

***

"Ever since I was a little girl

My mama always told me

there'd be boys like you

So when I'm with you, I have fun

Yeah when I'm with you, I have fun

I hate sleeping alone

I hate sleeping alone..."---Best Coast, 'When I'm with You'.

2015: SUCKS, BIG TIME.

***

There's no way I want to re-do 2015, 

even if it would come in better ios or camera or whatever gold colors.