in reply to you.

“I’m a mess. A total mess…” you said.

“Then fix it,” I replied.

***

It isn’t the first time someone said something like that to me. Maybe three or four people had done it before you. Well, not everyone were as articulated as you about telling me what they really felt at that time, but I’m pretty sure that somehow they sent me one or two weird signals of disruptiveness in them.

And I would just get them. Just like that.

Either I’m a sad miserable person that attracts others with equal pain and misery, or I’m just by faith made to fix people. I thought I’m the second kind. Yeah, some kind of dreadfully unfortunate person—that also blessed—with enough strength to carry someone else’s burdens.

I thought it was noble. Accompanying people through the hardest times in their lives. Be the shoulder to cry on. Celebrating their awful madness by saying something like, “Sometimes people just don’t get it. But I totally understand.” Or even crazier, devoting all my effort to make it easier for them with a whisper of, “No, no, no, everything won’t go any worse than this. I promise you,” when they flip off and went totally ballistic.

Trust me some of them were able to do the unimaginable. And that was fine by me, as long as they stay clingy like they always did. Oh, and they were needy to. And that feelings of being needed, isn’t that the most flattering feel of all?

***

Until one day. I remember that day. The morning that I woke up on my bed with one single thought only. A thought of me saying something that pretty much like what they always told me, “I’m a mess. A total mess…” to my own-self.  But then I immediately strangled with another thought. If I were that special ‘second kind’ of people I always thought I am, how could I broke down just like them?

If I were destined to fix people, then who would fix me?

The possibility of me as just ‘a sad miserable person that attracts others with equal pain and misery’ soon creeping my mind. From that very moment I realized, I’m not responsible to fix anyone by any means. I even finally came to my senses that no one could ever fix anyone but their own self.

***

Only you can make you happy, oh
(la la la la la la la la)
Only you can make you happy, oh
(la la la la la la la la)

---Au Revoir Simone

I really wanted to reply it differently. I wish I could let you know. Far deep back inside my head, at some points in that moment, I really thought I'm the one to fix you.

NANTI.

Nanti. Sebuah kata paling beracun yang bisa seseorang ucapkan pada dirinya sendiri. Apalagi ketika ‘nanti’ kemudian menjadi jawaban dari semua pertanyaan, yang lalu menjadi kebiasaan.

***

Time waits for nobody. Begitu katanya.

Sama seperti banyak orang, saya mempercayainya sebesar saya mempercayai keberadaan Tuhan. Berkiblat pada waktu, karena meskipun waktu tidak berbentuk, rasanya begitu nyata. Membuat kita selalu terkejar-kejar. Dalam berbagai bentuk tentunya. Alarm yang tidak pernah absen setiap pagi, deadline yang—entah kenapa—selalu datang sebagai rombongan, dan kesepakatan bersama yang diciptakan masyarakat entah sejak kapan. Semuanya seolah serempak tak menyisakan sebuah kesempatan untuk berdiam sebentar.

Lalu, muncul lah kata ‘nanti’.

Setiap saat kita minta pada diri kita untuk  menyisakan sedikit dari waktu yang ada benar-benar untuk diri kita sendiri. Melakukan hal yang benar-benar kita sukai. Sejenak berpikir tentang bukan apa-apa.

Nanti. Nanti. Nanti. Nanti. Nanti.

Dan suatu hari, ‘nanti’ berubah menjadi tidak sama sekali.

***

1.     Duduk diam di warung pancake kecil di tepi jalan, tidak melakukan apa-apa selain bengong merasakan angin.

2.     Mencari lagu-lagu baru, menyusun mixtape dan memberikannya pada seseorang yang berarti.

3.     Menyelesaikan buku-buku yang baru sempat terbaca setengah.

4.     Mendengarkan lagu di kamar dengan lampu mati sambil mengkhayal.

5.     Mengobrol dini hari dengan sahabat tanpa harus khawatir tentang besok pagi.

Lima dari begitu banyak hal tidak penting yang hampir terlupa betapa saya senang melakukannya. Karena selalu lebih mudah berkata nanti untuk diri sendiri daripada untuk orang lain. Karena sempat lupa bahwa ada saatnya melambat itu bukan masalah. Karena terlambat menyadari bahwa waktu hanya mengejar mereka yang tidak tahu caranya menyesuaikan ritme.

Saya tersenyum.

Saatnya berkata ‘nanti dulu’ pada nanti.

***

“Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go…”---Keane, on: Somewhere Only We Know.