about a name.

Not that I ever solve stuff perfectly, but I truly have no idea how to mend something so broken inside me, besides listening to a bunch of songs about it, and sing them out loud.

***

Sedang terlibat pembicaraan dengan seorang sahabat tentang album terbaru Coldplay, ketika saya menyadari betapa saya kangen pada sebuah nama. Kami berdebat tentang bagaimana album Ghost Stories telah merubah sudut pandang kami tentang Coldplay selamanya. Bukannya tidak suka, hanya saja bukanlah album favorite kami.

Lalu dia tiba-tiba bilang, ada satu lagu dalam album itu yang mengingatkannya pada saya. Tentang sesuatu yang begitu manis tapi pahit, sesuatu yang menyenangkan sekaligus miris. Saya langsung menebak lagunya,  “Magic, ya…?”. Dia menyangkal, “Bukan, Ink…” katanya.

Got a tattoo that said "together through life"
Carved in your name with my poker knife
And you wonder when you wake up, will it be alright oh oh
Feels like there's something broken inside

All I know
All I know
Is that in lost whenever you go
All I know is that I love you so
So much that it hurts

Got a tattoo and that paint is alright
Just wanted a way of keeping you inside (Oh oh oh oh oh)

All I know
All I know
Is that I'm lost
In your fire bellow

All I know is that I love you so
So much that it hurts

I see the road begin to climb
I see the stars, begin to show
I see your colors and I'm dying of thirst

All I know is that I love you so
So much that it hurts

Oh yeah yeah yeah
So much that it hurts
So much that it hurts

Saya terdiam sebentar. Teringat betapa saya suka mengucapkan sebuah nama yang setiap kalinya membuat saya tersenyum. Teringat beberapa detail tentang bagaimana nama itu masuk dalam hidup saya dan menetap di sana. Selebihnya saya tersadar, seberapa besar nama itu berarti untuk saya, hingga saat ini. 

“Elo masih sayang sama dia?”

“Selalu….”

***

As my tears went down, I started to realize it wasn’t all about the sobby daughter-daddy scene in the movie I was watching, or the way I lift my one leg when I kissed someone random at the bar few nights ago. There’s a big gap in my life asking for your name in it, and that makes me sad just even writing about it. But the feel of not missing you, it’s the most heart wrecking denial I won’t be able to repeat ever again.