let me hate you just for today.

All those paranoid posts about begal annoy me. It got into my nerves when one of my friends talking shits again about his newly started hipstery life (he was Blink 182 biggest fan for god sake). It gets me angry when I found out the Fifty Shades of Grey downloaded file that my friend gave me is totally fucked up. I’m mad about how the French fries I ordered weren’t like what I’ve been craving all day when finally delivered. I snap over the internet connection at the office when I failed to open an unimportant YouTube video about a race between babies and little animals.

I hate everything today because apparently you went working abroad with the ugly girl—which I’m pretty sure wouldn't mind if you would like to fuck her anytime—I hate for a week. That happened to be the first information I gain when I opened my eyes this morning. I also hate that.

And you… I hate you for making me feel this way.

I hate to make it impossible to just hate you forever. Because I know whatever happen I will still thinking of you in a very fond way. But today, please let me have it.

Let me hate you today, just like I hate anything else because of you.

***

***

"Does she talk about politics

And all the stuff that used to make me sick
Does she smoke cigars and stay up late, oh, she's so great

Does she tell you what you want to hear
And I bet that she can grow a beard
I'd feel better thinking you were queer, it's not fair

I can't compare to an ugly girl
To an ugly girl..."---Fleming & John, taken from: Ugly Girl.

deserve good.

In between cursing the air and puking by the plants, she asks me, “Do I deserve someone good?”

I answer, “Of course honey, of course…”

“But you know… I don’t think I’m good enough as a person to have that…”

Then she pukes again, now on my lap.

***

Love. The best form of cruelty the universe could offer.

It always starts as something harmless. Well, at least until it makes you dare to raise the expectation. To meet your expectation, you let your other half aware of it. Often by some arguments or even tears. Then you try to work it out, you compromise. But suddenly you feel as if you are not you. You’re tired, you’re worn out. You realise your expectation hasn’t changed ever since and probably it’s not match at all with what your other half wants. You’re now angry. After that sure comes the hate. Hate towards your partner? No.

You hate yourself, that’s when love completely changing into something cautious.

***

“Don’t question whether you’re a good enough person or not. Ask about how sincere you are in loving other.”

Now she’s holding my hand. And I… I hold hers back.

www.weheartit.com

***

"For you I was the flame
Love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came
Love is losing game

One I wished, I never played
Oh, what a mess we made
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game..."--Amy Winehouse, from: Love is a Losing Game.

            

random.

They were waiting for a taxi on the side of the road. It was 3 in the morning, and they were still wearing the same outfit from work the day before. She didn’t really know what to say or even what to do. He seemed distant. But it was good she thought. If he touched her, anywhere, even if he did it unintentionally, she would never be able to hold it. She would just ask him to stay. Fucked her to the sun goes up. And she knew, he would say yes.

“Where’s the fucking taxi? It’s not good for a decent girl like me to be seen with a guy like you. Haha,” She said to him, awkwardly. He giggles.

“No decent girl wants to be choked during sex, Darling.”

“Well, decent girl wants to get wild too sometimes, Mister. Still, it’s not good if people see us like this. I mean imagine, my friends or yours, or even worse, our friend, passing by and like… ‘What the fuck are guys doing together?’”

“Yeah. If that’s what happening, let them be. It’s not the shit they should fuzz about. People fuck each other, that’s it.”

“Still! It’s pretty random.”

“Hahaha random. Yeah, random.  Even for me.”

“Sorry?”

“In terms of girls I’m quite random, I should say. But tonight was way more than that.”

The glimmering eyes she was showing, they suddenly disappeared. Followed by blazing strikes from the taxi’s fog lamps. She got in there in a rush. Insisting him to let her go home all by herself. He kissed her goodbye. She kissed him back, more of an obligatory one, like the thing you think right to do if someone put his hand up for a high-five with you.

Deep inside her, it was kinda hurt. Not to be melodramatic, but she actually felt there were magic for a moment. Or at least, she thought there might be. She was pretty sure. But maybe, it was just random. Pretty random, even for her.

***

***

"It's a sad and beautiful world
It's a sad and beautiful world

Sometimes I just won't go
Sometimes I can't say no

It's a sad and beautiful world
It's a sad and beautiful world

Sometimes days go speeding past
Sometimes this one seems like the last"---Sparklehorse, Sad and Beautiful World.

you belong to...

“Why are you so afraid of me?”

“Because we will eventually break each other apart…”

***

Reverse psychology. The easiest act of manipulation. What you need to do is basically intentionally saying something the opposite way from what you actually desire people to do. And by any means, people’s tendencies to resent what others tell them to do will get you what you want easier than taking a lollipop from little baby.

But, what if that you practice it so well that you start to do it to your own-self?

Doing things you said ‘don’t do’ to your self. Doing things you know bad. Doing things you know will only hurt you. Doing things with regret.

Things like planning to get really drunk. Things like calling your weird crush to seduce him while you get really drunk. Things like saying things you aren’t suppose to say that comes out too stupid to count as seduction. Things like kissing him goodbye so casually after the failed seduction that you started to believe as your special thing with him. Things like going home with somebody else instead of him—the one that you’ve planned to seduce at first—and making out like crazy teenagers. Things like making out with someone you don’t really want to, only to find out he is belong to someone that waiting for him at home.

Things like spending nights wanting other’s that you know will only bring regrets to your mornings.

www.weheartit.com

***

Even that night was quite a blur already, what happened after were more of broken splitting images. I only remember one pathetic sentence that I recite over and over again in my head while all of that happened. I wish it were you. I wish it were you. I wish it were you.

I wish it were you with me at this moment.

***

“I know (I know) you belong

To somebody new

But tonight

You belong to me

My honey I know

With the dawn

That you will be gone

But tonight

You belong to me…”---Eddie Vedder, taken from: Tonight You Belong to Me.

2014: the year when I stop giving a fuck.

Reading more books. Watching more films. Listening to more songs. Getting to know more people. Letting weird ideas loose. Stepping out from comfort zone. Making room for options. Dealing with pain, both physical and emotional. Sucking in a lot from a lot of different inspirations possible. Learning how to accept and let go. Making fun of life itself. Thinking a little. Doing more.

Completely stop giving a fuck. And the funny thing is, when you actually stop giving too much fuck, life kinda giving you some slacks by fucking with you less.

Somehow it let me cut off  burdens I've been carrying for god knows how long. All the heavy shits to step into the next year lighter, simpler, happier.

***

Happy new year.

May the universe bless.

Photo courtesy: Pocut.

I want a hippopotamus for christmas, only a hippopotamus will do...

Merry Christmas, you.

***

"No crocodiles, or rhinoceroseses

I only like hippopotamuses

And hippopotamuses like me too..."

in reply to you.

“I’m a mess. A total mess…” you said.

“Then fix it,” I replied.

***

It isn’t the first time someone said something like that to me. Maybe three or four people had done it before you. Well, not everyone were as articulated as you about telling me what they really felt at that time, but I’m pretty sure that somehow they sent me one or two weird signals of disruptiveness in them.

And I would just get them. Just like that.

Either I’m a sad miserable person that attracts others with equal pain and misery, or I’m just by faith made to fix people. I thought I’m the second kind. Yeah, some kind of dreadfully unfortunate person—that also blessed—with enough strength to carry someone else’s burdens.

I thought it was noble. Accompanying people through the hardest times in their lives. Be the shoulder to cry on. Celebrating their awful madness by saying something like, “Sometimes people just don’t get it. But I totally understand.” Or even crazier, devoting all my effort to make it easier for them with a whisper of, “No, no, no, everything won’t go any worse than this. I promise you,” when they flip off and went totally ballistic.

Trust me some of them were able to do the unimaginable. And that was fine by me, as long as they stay clingy like they always did. Oh, and they were needy to. And that feelings of being needed, isn’t that the most flattering feel of all?

***

Until one day. I remember that day. The morning that I woke up on my bed with one single thought only. A thought of me saying something that pretty much like what they always told me, “I’m a mess. A total mess…” to my own-self.  But then I immediately strangled with another thought. If I were that special ‘second kind’ of people I always thought I am, how could I broke down just like them?

If I were destined to fix people, then who would fix me?

The possibility of me as just ‘a sad miserable person that attracts others with equal pain and misery’ soon creeping my mind. From that very moment I realized, I’m not responsible to fix anyone by any means. I even finally came to my senses that no one could ever fix anyone but their own self.

***

Only you can make you happy, oh
(la la la la la la la la)
Only you can make you happy, oh
(la la la la la la la la)

---Au Revoir Simone

I really wanted to reply it differently. I wish I could let you know. Far deep back inside my head, at some points in that moment, I really thought I'm the one to fix you.