should've ended better.

There are times when you just can't get out of bed or wash your hair, thinking back to the thing that should've ended better.

I wish I were stronger.

Maybe, that would make you stay.

***

"for lovers : when pete loves kate." 

This mixtape is made to help you soak it all up, get numb, and wake up with less regret. 

For Lovers -Wolfman Feat. Pete Doherty.

Pale Blue Eyes -The Kills

Some Kinda Love -The Velvet Underground

With A Girl Like You -The Troggs.

I’ll Be Your Man -The Black Keys.

I’m Into Something Good -Jr. James and The Late Guitar.

There She Goes -The LA’s

Just Like Heaven -Taking Back Sunday

Dancing In The Dark -The Temper Trap

This Charming Man -The Smiths

Boys Don’t Cry -The Cure

I Melt With You -Modern English

Wouldn’t It Be Nice -The Beach Boys

***

“I’m tired. I can’t do this anymore.”

“I was hoping that you would be strong. But you know, all that I ever really hope is for you to be happy...”

happily ends happy ending.

Do you believe in happy ending?

Sometimes, I have a hard time believing it.

It’s so much easier to believe in other things.

Things like “life is a series of bitter disappointment and ungranted wishes”.

***

I always think I’m different.

I want what others don’t, I don’t want what others do. Wanting to live on my own beat, rebelling all over, not caring of what people say. But don’t get me wrong. I’m not really into those kinds of attention seeking or something like that. I just want to feel good about myself. Feel certain that nothing will stop me from doing anything I like. Because you know, in life everything’s uncertain. And uncertainty, isn’t that the scariest thing?

For most of us, life starts at 17. Sweet seventeen, prom, losing virginity, first love, first alcohol, first drug, discovering our real musical interest, moving out from the family house. At that time we almost certain that life will be lot more fun and interesting. Well at least I was. I thought life would be easy as I have more options. What I forgot was options are there to be decided. Suddenly, it wasn’t fun anymore. Because I know, I won’t know if I decide to do the right option or not, until the ending reveals everything.

And that ending, it’s way more uncertain than whether I would pass high school or not.

Who knows when will the ending come. When you survive the awkward teenage years? Or when you started to become reckless young adult and make it to 27 alive? When you get over your first ever love? Or when you finally found the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? When you decided to end your miserable life and sober up? Or when you just embrace your misery and live it as it is?

I don’t know. No one knows.

And while I try to get use to all of these confusing uncertain endings, everything unravels. Too much decision making that I don’t even know what’s best anymore. Oh, who am I to decide what’s best, anyway. I slowly get tired, I get exhausted. Silently, in my after-drunk-before-sleep nights I admit it to myself, well, maybe, it’s just maybe, at the end I’m just like anybody else. I want to be happy. I want everything to end happily ever after.

***

“Please don’t tell anyone this, but… I want to be happy.”

“Of course you do. Everyone does.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t think that I did…” ----Hannah Horvat, on ‘Girls’ Season 2.

at the time like this.

At the time like this, I wish I could call you and say, “Babe, can I go home to your place?”

***

A hard time at work, heavy traffic, bad hair, or even just unexplainable mood swings. You could mention thousands of excuses to go to the ice cream parlor and buy double—with extra topping, instead of just a plain single scoop. Maybe straight to the bar, ordering something strong and doubled it up. It’s all up to what suits you better. And you’ll go home with a guilt free ice cream satisfaction, or a tipsy smirk—again it’s all up to you. People in a bad mood are allowed to make bad decisions.

If only we could butter up all of our upsetting matters with ice cream and alcohol. In fact, some things are just too upsetting to be dealt with, even when you have a pint of tequila ice cream. Some matters need to be taken care of, talked to, and decided seriously. Things I am not really good at. I’m too impulsive and careless—plus lazy—for all of those. So, in that kind of situation, I always need other people. Not to say that it’s going to be okay and pad my shoulder, or further more, to give me some pointless self-help book kind advices.  But, more to strengthen my weird impulsive—and often stupid too—decisions. Because sometimes, I’ve already had the answer I need at the back of my head. I guess we all have. We just need someone we trust, to say, it’s the right thing to do.

Most importantly, to be the one to whom we can turn home and make things dramatically easier with their simple hug. Who is also willing to get my ice cream or/and alcohol when need.

***

At the time like this, I wish you could just open the door and say nothing. And I would just go straight in, crawling to your bed, and feel safe.

***

"When I finally get my own placeIt'll do its best to please meWhen I finally get my own placeIt will have windows that will leakA garden I won't weed, fish I won't feed
You don't need to be lonelyYou don't need to be lostYou don't need to know what you're living forYou just knock on my doorWhen I, when I
When I finally get my own placeI'll fly into a rage, I'll knock myself outAnd alter hours of whispering through the keyholeAnd I let myself back into your arms..."---Aqualung, on : When I Finally Get My Own Place.

to tell a story about you.

"I try to remember all my drunk-tweets. They were mostly about you."

***

Malam itu saya tidak berniat mabuk. Hanya malam minggu yang saya harap akan dihabiskan dengan bersahaja bersama beberapa sahabat dan beberapa teguk beer. Tapi tentu saja, apa yang saya niatkan seringnya tidak menjadi kenyataan. Diri saya akan selalu mencoba mengingatkan bahwa segala hal yang terencana itu membosankan. Kemudian secara aneh, bagian diri saya yang paling dominan, yaitu impuls-impuls untuk melakukan hal-hal destruktif mulai mengambil alih.

Tidak. Saya tidak lalu memesan sebotol tequila atau mengajak teman saya ke kamar mandi dan membajak persedian LSD-nya. Saya hanya mulai bercerita. Soal…—siapa lagi kalau bukan—kamu.

***

Bagian paling menyakitkan dari menceritakan kamu kepada orang lain adalah, ketika saya harus selalu mencoba menyederhanakan semuanya, hanya agar ceritanya terdengar sedikit masuk akal dan bisa dipercaya. Padahal yang justru membuat kamu sangat menarik adalah bagaimana kamu akan selalu memilih cara paling rumit dan paling aneh untuk membuat saya percaya. Semuanya serba kontradiktif. Makanya saya tidak terlalu suka bercerita soal kamu kepada orang lain.

Tapi entah kenapa malam itu saya mau. Mungkin waktunya sedang tepat. Mungkin saya berharap keadaan bar tempat kami berkumpul terlalu ramai, sehingga mereka akan sulit mendengar saya bercerita, dan akhirnya memilih untuk tidak memperhatikan bermacam emosi yang seringkali saya rasakan saat mengingat-ngingat soal kamu. Mungkin juga menyebut nama kamu bisa mengurangi kangen. Mungkin saya sedang ingin saja.

***

“Terus elo nyesel?”

“Nyesel apa?”

“Nggak nungguin dia lagi…”

“Mungkin. Tapi mungkin juga nggak.”

“…..”

“…..”

“Elo tau nggak?”

“Apa?”

“Kalau lo pernah merasa harus nunggu, ya tunggu. Pas lo merasa itu udah mulai terlalu lama, ya sabar. Itu artinya lo harus nunggu lebih lama lagi.”

“….. “

Saya tidak terlalu ingat kejadian-kejadian selanjutnya. But, I remember I tweeted about you.

....

....

....

That, I immediately deleted in the morning.

***

"Even when I’m not drunk… I mostly tweet about you."

***

"Make love to me 
one more time 
before you go away 
why can't you stay? 

Uh, my love 
come home to me 
just for a while 
I'll leave this 
why can't you stay? 

Don't run away 
don't slip away my dear 
don't run away, don't slip away my dear..." ---The Fall, by : Rhye.