tiga kata.

Dan kamu tak akan pernah mengerti rasanya merindukan. Karena yang kamu tahu hanya mempertanyakan. 

***

Dia mengetik sebuah pesan. Tiga kata sederhana. 

Bukan, bukan 'I love you'. Meskipun diakuinya pernah ada saat-saat di mana terasa benar untuk mengucapkan tiga kata itu untuk orang yang sama. Tapi hari ini, malam ini, cukup 'I miss you'. Dan menurutnya, perasaan semacam itu bukan untuk disimpan sendiri. Dia ingin, dia perlu, berbagi. 

Karena, bukankah akan terlalu menyedihkan ketika dirasa sendiri?

***

Saya hanya bisa berharap, semoga rindu diam-diam datang dalam tidurmu, mengetuk kepalamu dengan kenyataan, 'Ternyata hanya dia, hanya dia...'

***

"Are you gonna be my love?

Are you gonna be mine?

I feel it falling from the skies above

Are you gonna be mine?

My wave, my shark, my demon in the dark

The blue tide pulling me under

Or are you my soul, my heart, 

pull everything apart?"

---Shark, by: Oh Wonder

The shark tale.

Once upon a time in a blue moon,

There was a shark that couldn’t swim,

He was afraid of drowning in that little stream he started.

Not because he couldn't swim,

Maybe he just hate the stream.

***

I remember all the things you said to me. Only everything more of a series of blur voices now.

I remember most of your crappy jokes. I remember that you said you are a sucker for gummy bear. I remember you said how rabbit should look like, fluffy. I remember you said you love your sneakers and fancy t-shirts, and how you honestly hate it when I mess with them. I remember you said you somehow like eating with plastic spoon that gives you the feeling of having a meal in jail every time. I remember you once said you want to fuck me again before we went out for breakfast if I allowed you to—which I obviously allowed anyway. I remember you told me you want to believe, just like the writing you have inked on your wrist. I remember you said you like my wits more than everything else. 

But most of all, I remember when you said you don’t want to lie about who you really are and giving people wrong impressions. The one particular thing that haunts me at night; you said, you would hate not being honest about what you feel.

I wish I could go back to that very moment. I want to hear all of it once again and asked you one thing right after; Do you really hate the idea of us being together that much?

***

Once upon a time in a blue moon,

There lived a fluffy rabbit.

Of course she couldn't swim either,

She hopped into the water anyway.

Waiting to get carried away with the stream,

That for once after long,

Excites her more than any other.

***

"Ever since I was a little girl

My mama always told me

there'd be boys like you

So when I'm with you, I have fun

Yeah when I'm with you, I have fun

I hate sleeping alone

I hate sleeping alone..."---Best Coast, 'When I'm with You'.

2015: SUCKS, BIG TIME.

***

There's no way I want to re-do 2015, 

even if it would come in better ios or camera or whatever gold colors.

The rain, the snow and all the things in between.

The rain drizzled softly all morning. The already cold-enough-for-Jakarta weather influenced the air conditioner to breeze uncontrollably freezing. I couldn’t help but thinking of how that was winter might feels like.

***

Rain never does the tragic-romantic minds like mine any good.

It’s either the gloomy-mood attack or the sudden urgency to think about life. Not like those two are dreadfully bad nor completely pleasurable that I sometimes can’t handle. But, maybe more to combination of both things that make them seem uncertainly overwhelming.

However for that specific morning, I decided to think about life. Not just because I was gloomy enough already because of certain things at work, but also because I wanted to describe what I had experienced lately.

The roller coaster kind of ups and downs, the eager and the anger, the impalpable laugh and mysterious anxiety. All in very intense form that I’d been forgetting for God knows how long. It was only a silly birthday wish, the intensity. I said I wanted to feel it all, to the level that going to psyched or crush my nerves. And yet now it became real, I felt that I failed to understand.

Perhaps, it was one of those things that aren’t supposed to do anything about, other than just to be felt loose. I told myself, “Don’t think too much, you’ve been doing it for too long.” Then I grinned. Never thought it would be easier to understand just like that.

As easy as how the snow-like rain poured that morning.

***

I randomly told you all of those right away, as if my thoughts hadn’t been so random ever since.

“I imagine this is how winter would like, Sharky. I want to feel the snow, I want to touch the flakes."

“Winter is way colder than that, Wabbit.”

***

“Stay tonight, it won't change how we feel
Although its late, I guess I'll give it one more try
Even though it's hard to think, we'll find your keys in the dark
Stay tonight, it won't change anything…”—Panama, on: How We Feel.

The day when the rain finally pouring down.

Rain rain rain pour down like tears. Wash wash wash away our fears.

***

As the rain goes down, there’s a distinct feeling busting hard in my chest. The feeling I remember from that night. Now that it passed, can only be defined as regret.

Could it be the same feeling you think about at the very moment?

***

Sting and those feelings that still sting. Will you be there and hear me sing?

dalam seucap doa.

Beberapa waktu lalu saya bertanya pada ibu, kenapa beberapa hal yang sangat saya harapkan belum juga terjadi. Bahkan seringkali terhenti saat mencapai kata hampir. Lalu kata ibu, “Kamu kurang berdoa…”

***

Dalam setiap kejadian pasti ada makna. Entah kurang berusaha, kurang sabar, kurang memberi, kurang berterima kasih, atau memang belum saatnya saja. Begitu cara alam semesta berbicara. Lewat tanda yang kadang sulit terbaca, lewat kesal hati yang lebih mudah terasa. Saya selalu percaya.

Lalu apakah sebuah doa?

Meskipun sedikit lebih sulit untuk memahaminya, karena logika saya kurang setuju bagaimana seucap kata-kata saja bisa secara ajaib membuat harapan jadi nyata. Tapi kemudian saya berpikir, tak mungkin sesuatu yang dipercaya sebegitu kuatnya hanya berarti sedangkal  kedengarannya.

Mungkin sebenarnya, doa terucap bukan untuk meminta. Tapi memberi waktu agar hati bisa lebih peka, untuk kemudian berdamai dengan semesta dan memahami maksudnya. Sebuah kesempatan untuk berdiam, mendengarkan, dan sejenak memejamkan mata.

Setidaknya begitu untuk saya. Sebuah momen sakral dimana hanya ada kita dan semesta, bukankah itu tak ada duanya?

***

Ibu menambahkan lagi sambil merangkul saya, “Kalau usaha sudah terasa melelahkan, cobalah berdoa. Doa punya kekuatannya sendiri untuk mewujudkan hal-hal.”

***

"When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me

And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a tryAnd have a little faith in me..." ---John Hiatt, on: Have a Little Faith in Me.