random.

They were waiting for a taxi on the side of the road. It was 3 in the morning, and they were still wearing the same outfit from work the day before. She didn’t really know what to say or even what to do. He seemed distant. But it was good she thought. If he touched her, anywhere, even if he did it unintentionally, she would never be able to hold it. She would just ask him to stay. Fucked her to the sun goes up. And she knew, he would say yes.

“Where’s the fucking taxi? It’s not good for a decent girl like me to be seen with a guy like you. Haha,” She said to him, awkwardly. He giggles.

“No decent girl wants to be choked during sex, Darling.”

“Well, decent girl wants to get wild too sometimes, Mister. Still, it’s not good if people see us like this. I mean imagine, my friends or yours, or even worse, our friend, passing by and like… ‘What the fuck are guys doing together?’”

“Yeah. If that’s what happening, let them be. It’s not the shit they should fuzz about. People fuck each other, that’s it.”

“Still! It’s pretty random.”

“Hahaha random. Yeah, random.  Even for me.”

“Sorry?”

“In terms of girls I’m quite random, I should say. But tonight was way more than that.”

The glimmering eyes she was showing, they suddenly disappeared. Followed by blazing strikes from the taxi’s fog lamps. She got in there in a rush. Insisting him to let her go home all by herself. He kissed her goodbye. She kissed him back, more of an obligatory one, like the thing you think right to do if someone put his hand up for a high-five with you.

Deep inside her, it was kinda hurt. Not to be melodramatic, but she actually felt there were magic for a moment. Or at least, she thought there might be. She was pretty sure. But maybe, it was just random. Pretty random, even for her.

***

***

"It's a sad and beautiful world
It's a sad and beautiful world

Sometimes I just won't go
Sometimes I can't say no

It's a sad and beautiful world
It's a sad and beautiful world

Sometimes days go speeding past
Sometimes this one seems like the last"---Sparklehorse, Sad and Beautiful World.

you belong to...

“Why are you so afraid of me?”

“Because we will eventually break each other apart…”

***

Reverse psychology. The easiest act of manipulation. What you need to do is basically intentionally saying something the opposite way from what you actually desire people to do. And by any means, people’s tendencies to resent what others tell them to do will get you what you want easier than taking a lollipop from little baby.

But, what if that you practice it so well that you start to do it to your own-self?

Doing things you said ‘don’t do’ to your self. Doing things you know bad. Doing things you know will only hurt you. Doing things with regret.

Things like planning to get really drunk. Things like calling your weird crush to seduce him while you get really drunk. Things like saying things you aren’t suppose to say that comes out too stupid to count as seduction. Things like kissing him goodbye so casually after the failed seduction that you started to believe as your special thing with him. Things like going home with somebody else instead of him—the one that you’ve planned to seduce at first—and making out like crazy teenagers. Things like making out with someone you don’t really want to, only to find out he is belong to someone that waiting for him at home.

Things like spending nights wanting other’s that you know will only bring regrets to your mornings.

www.weheartit.com

***

Even that night was quite a blur already, what happened after were more of broken splitting images. I only remember one pathetic sentence that I recite over and over again in my head while all of that happened. I wish it were you. I wish it were you. I wish it were you.

I wish it were you with me at this moment.

***

“I know (I know) you belong

To somebody new

But tonight

You belong to me

My honey I know

With the dawn

That you will be gone

But tonight

You belong to me…”---Eddie Vedder, taken from: Tonight You Belong to Me.

2014: the year when I stop giving a fuck.

Reading more books. Watching more films. Listening to more songs. Getting to know more people. Letting weird ideas loose. Stepping out from comfort zone. Making room for options. Dealing with pain, both physical and emotional. Sucking in a lot from a lot of different inspirations possible. Learning how to accept and let go. Making fun of life itself. Thinking a little. Doing more.

Completely stop giving a fuck. And the funny thing is, when you actually stop giving too much fuck, life kinda giving you some slacks by fucking with you less.

Somehow it let me cut off  burdens I've been carrying for god knows how long. All the heavy shits to step into the next year lighter, simpler, happier.

***

Happy new year.

May the universe bless.

Photo courtesy: Pocut.

I want a hippopotamus for christmas, only a hippopotamus will do...

Merry Christmas, you.

***

"No crocodiles, or rhinoceroseses

I only like hippopotamuses

And hippopotamuses like me too..."

in reply to you.

“I’m a mess. A total mess…” you said.

“Then fix it,” I replied.

***

It isn’t the first time someone said something like that to me. Maybe three or four people had done it before you. Well, not everyone were as articulated as you about telling me what they really felt at that time, but I’m pretty sure that somehow they sent me one or two weird signals of disruptiveness in them.

And I would just get them. Just like that.

Either I’m a sad miserable person that attracts others with equal pain and misery, or I’m just by faith made to fix people. I thought I’m the second kind. Yeah, some kind of dreadfully unfortunate person—that also blessed—with enough strength to carry someone else’s burdens.

I thought it was noble. Accompanying people through the hardest times in their lives. Be the shoulder to cry on. Celebrating their awful madness by saying something like, “Sometimes people just don’t get it. But I totally understand.” Or even crazier, devoting all my effort to make it easier for them with a whisper of, “No, no, no, everything won’t go any worse than this. I promise you,” when they flip off and went totally ballistic.

Trust me some of them were able to do the unimaginable. And that was fine by me, as long as they stay clingy like they always did. Oh, and they were needy to. And that feelings of being needed, isn’t that the most flattering feel of all?

***

Until one day. I remember that day. The morning that I woke up on my bed with one single thought only. A thought of me saying something that pretty much like what they always told me, “I’m a mess. A total mess…” to my own-self.  But then I immediately strangled with another thought. If I were that special ‘second kind’ of people I always thought I am, how could I broke down just like them?

If I were destined to fix people, then who would fix me?

The possibility of me as just ‘a sad miserable person that attracts others with equal pain and misery’ soon creeping my mind. From that very moment I realized, I’m not responsible to fix anyone by any means. I even finally came to my senses that no one could ever fix anyone but their own self.

***

Only you can make you happy, oh
(la la la la la la la la)
Only you can make you happy, oh
(la la la la la la la la)

---Au Revoir Simone

I really wanted to reply it differently. I wish I could let you know. Far deep back inside my head, at some points in that moment, I really thought I'm the one to fix you.

NANTI.

Nanti. Sebuah kata paling beracun yang bisa seseorang ucapkan pada dirinya sendiri. Apalagi ketika ‘nanti’ kemudian menjadi jawaban dari semua pertanyaan, yang lalu menjadi kebiasaan.

***

Time waits for nobody. Begitu katanya.

Sama seperti banyak orang, saya mempercayainya sebesar saya mempercayai keberadaan Tuhan. Berkiblat pada waktu, karena meskipun waktu tidak berbentuk, rasanya begitu nyata. Membuat kita selalu terkejar-kejar. Dalam berbagai bentuk tentunya. Alarm yang tidak pernah absen setiap pagi, deadline yang—entah kenapa—selalu datang sebagai rombongan, dan kesepakatan bersama yang diciptakan masyarakat entah sejak kapan. Semuanya seolah serempak tak menyisakan sebuah kesempatan untuk berdiam sebentar.

Lalu, muncul lah kata ‘nanti’.

Setiap saat kita minta pada diri kita untuk  menyisakan sedikit dari waktu yang ada benar-benar untuk diri kita sendiri. Melakukan hal yang benar-benar kita sukai. Sejenak berpikir tentang bukan apa-apa.

Nanti. Nanti. Nanti. Nanti. Nanti.

Dan suatu hari, ‘nanti’ berubah menjadi tidak sama sekali.

***

1.     Duduk diam di warung pancake kecil di tepi jalan, tidak melakukan apa-apa selain bengong merasakan angin.

2.     Mencari lagu-lagu baru, menyusun mixtape dan memberikannya pada seseorang yang berarti.

3.     Menyelesaikan buku-buku yang baru sempat terbaca setengah.

4.     Mendengarkan lagu di kamar dengan lampu mati sambil mengkhayal.

5.     Mengobrol dini hari dengan sahabat tanpa harus khawatir tentang besok pagi.

Lima dari begitu banyak hal tidak penting yang hampir terlupa betapa saya senang melakukannya. Karena selalu lebih mudah berkata nanti untuk diri sendiri daripada untuk orang lain. Karena sempat lupa bahwa ada saatnya melambat itu bukan masalah. Karena terlambat menyadari bahwa waktu hanya mengejar mereka yang tidak tahu caranya menyesuaikan ritme.

Saya tersenyum.

Saatnya berkata ‘nanti dulu’ pada nanti.

***

“Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go…”---Keane, on: Somewhere Only We Know.

kamu yang menenggelamkan.

I'm drowning. Drown in your name.

***

Kamu, rambutmu , dan mood-mu yang sama-sama selalu berantakan. Kamu, sepatu-sepatumu, dan pilihan kemeja motifmu yang selalu mengejutkan. Kamu, keponakan-keponakanmu, dan teori-teorimu yang aneh tentang dunia. Kamu, caramu bersenang-senang, dan seriusnya wajahmu saat bekerja. Kamu, hal-hal kecil yang kita tertawakan diam-diam, dan kalimat-kalimat yang saling terselesaikan begitu saja.

Kamu dan segala hal yang membuat saya tak henti-hentinya teringat, bahwa ada kalanya rasa tidak sebaiknya diutarakan.

Kamu menenggelamkan saya tanpa sadar dan sekarang sudah terlalu larut untuk kembali.

Kamu, kadang-kadang hanya ada kamu.

Saya harap kamu tahu.

***

about a name.

Not that I ever solve stuff perfectly, but I truly have no idea how to mend something so broken inside me, besides listening to a bunch of songs about it, and sing them out loud.

***

Sedang terlibat pembicaraan dengan seorang sahabat tentang album terbaru Coldplay, ketika saya menyadari betapa saya kangen pada sebuah nama. Kami berdebat tentang bagaimana album Ghost Stories telah merubah sudut pandang kami tentang Coldplay selamanya. Bukannya tidak suka, hanya saja bukanlah album favorite kami.

Lalu dia tiba-tiba bilang, ada satu lagu dalam album itu yang mengingatkannya pada saya. Tentang sesuatu yang begitu manis tapi pahit, sesuatu yang menyenangkan sekaligus miris. Saya langsung menebak lagunya,  “Magic, ya…?”. Dia menyangkal, “Bukan, Ink…” katanya.

Got a tattoo that said "together through life"
Carved in your name with my poker knife
And you wonder when you wake up, will it be alright oh oh
Feels like there's something broken inside

All I know
All I know
Is that in lost whenever you go
All I know is that I love you so
So much that it hurts

Got a tattoo and that paint is alright
Just wanted a way of keeping you inside (Oh oh oh oh oh)

All I know
All I know
Is that I'm lost
In your fire bellow

All I know is that I love you so
So much that it hurts

I see the road begin to climb
I see the stars, begin to show
I see your colors and I'm dying of thirst

All I know is that I love you so
So much that it hurts

Oh yeah yeah yeah
So much that it hurts
So much that it hurts

Saya terdiam sebentar. Teringat betapa saya suka mengucapkan sebuah nama yang setiap kalinya membuat saya tersenyum. Teringat beberapa detail tentang bagaimana nama itu masuk dalam hidup saya dan menetap di sana. Selebihnya saya tersadar, seberapa besar nama itu berarti untuk saya, hingga saat ini. 

“Elo masih sayang sama dia?”

“Selalu….”

***

As my tears went down, I started to realize it wasn’t all about the sobby daughter-daddy scene in the movie I was watching, or the way I lift my one leg when I kissed someone random at the bar few nights ago. There’s a big gap in my life asking for your name in it, and that makes me sad just even writing about it. But the feel of not missing you, it’s the most heart wrecking denial I won’t be able to repeat ever again.

the sunflower blooms.

"The sunflower’s very nature also reflects something that Spiritualist believers should do, which is to turn to the light. Every sunflower faces towards the east when the sun rises, which symbolizes how people should turn to the light of God..."

 ---taken from : www.westonflowers.com.

***

***

For me it's just a matter of reminding myself, 

that whatever I do should lead me going back towards the substance of life. 

Just like the sunflower always turns to the almighty sun.

 

25-05-14/ Mulie Addlecoat / Thinking Tree Tatto Jakarta

***

"Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes.." --The Beatles, taken from : Here Comes the Sun.

#ThingsIWouldLikeToShareWithYou

once, there was...

Once, a girl met a guy in a very odd world.

She was gloomy, he was moody.

But they were into nice shoes and coldplay.

She was a creep, he was a drunk.

But they shared the same weird fondness in funny words.

Once, a girl fell in love with a guy with a very clear reason.

She said ‘I think I love you’, he agreed to say ‘I love you too.”

They felt like they found a match.

She was then happy, he was no longer confused.

They were pretty sure they found their soul-mate.

Once, a girl decided to wait for a guy. 

But, a story about true love is never been easy.

They said it would take a little longer.

They said it would need a harder prayer.

Dreams shattered, Tears shed.

Heart broke, Words unsaid.

Once, a girl went apart from a guy with so much uncertain reasons.

Just one thing to be sure, Hate never grew in between.

Because they knew one thing remains the same.

They will always pretty sure they had found their soul-mate.

***

Happy Birthday, you.

Wishing for your happiness. 

Every. Single. Day.

#kissintheeyes