The symptoms of screen fatigue and other shitty souvenirs from 2020.

After almost 10 months of ‘wake up, zoom call and repeat’, I finally broke down. In tears to be exact. At that time, I just fed up. I had enough of my screen, my gmeet setup, my gdrive, my calendar, my colleagues––the only people I had interaction with in months––oh fuck em all! 

***

I heard a lot about screen fatigue––even used it as the main insight in one of my big idea presentations, convinced a lot of people of how it was real––but I never understood how it works. I thought it would give you more physical symptoms like, I don’t know, maybe migraine or blurry eyes or something. Never crossed my mind that the signs would more on to bipolar reactions to screens. Sometimes I’d excessively and obsessively spent hours scrolling and watching something online, like that was the only thing I wanted to do. On other days I would reject them aggressively––even want to smash them somehow, but then reluctantly turn back to them just because I know I have nothing to do besides staring at them. The cycle was vicious and I didn’t have any power to stop it.

Then came the anger. The feeling of constantly having any hot-and-cold relationship with anything/anyone would make you angry I supposed, let alone with a soul-less thing. It began to take a toll on me, I became quite bitchy all the time and I felt trapped. Well, technically we’re trapped in 2020 I guess. You might be able to finally go out of the house with this and that protocols and gears, but who were you kidding, we’re still trapped in this absurd year together with the false hope that the nearby 2021 would save us. Then I realized, the coming year wouldn’t be that much of a help, it would come in a blink for God sake. (If this is a fuck you note to 2020 and be the anti-thesis of my earlier thoughts `2020: The Year of Firsts`, then be it.)

Realizing this hard-truth I became more and more anxious. I felt tired all the time, even when I got up in the morning, even when I cooked and garden––two things that I swore my saviour a couple of months ago. I thought this was mental, and I don’t know how to go out of it. I simply drained. From the energy that used to fuel me to do things. Passion, happiness. I need to refuel––that I think I was doing when I watched 4 seasons of Crown consecutively or stalking a random basketball player online every night––the good ol fashioned kind of refuel. I think the concept is simple. Your mind and body are batteries, let’s say your phone battery. Need to be recharge with a simple thing; to connect it to a socket power. 

If there was anything that I learned from this whole madness was, now I think I know what my socket power is. It’s not a person, or people (even though they sound pretty great also), it’s a freedom. To do things, to feel things, to be contained by not being contained in one single choice.

***

It was just a brief, a job request––a stupid and out of mind yes––but not something I’ve never had. Something that I would just send back and forget, in a parallel world where Covid never existed. I broke down in tears. And in those tears I know, I’m just tired. I’m tired and I didn’t know how to stop.

Ro.man.tis.me.

Berkolaborasi menyusun mixtape adalah simulasi mini menjalin hubungan. Selalu ada yang mulai duluan, lalu saat gayung bersambut petualangan dimulai. Sisanya sederetan ekspektasi dan realita yang kadang tak sejalan, serta sejumlah usaha menyejajarkan irama. Deskripsi yang aneh. Namun romantis <3

GemzGomz #CollabMix vol. 2: Weird love songs.

Mungkin kita berdua perlu ingat, betapa romantisnya semua ini ketika dulu dimulai.

***

"Do you remember

When we met?

That's the day I knew you were my pet

I want to tell you

How much I love you…"

--Sea of Love, Cat Power.

Obrolan Setengah Empat Pagi.

“Orang buta, mimpinya apa...?” Dan hanya dengan sepatah pertanyaan, obrolan setengah empat pagi pun dimulai kembali.

***

Tidur, apa itu tidur? Seolah tidak punya waktu seharian penuh untuk bisa ngobrol, kami seringkali justru mulai saling menyapa di tengah malam. Ritualnya selalu sama. Dibuka dengan pertanyaan-pertanyaan filosofis seperti, “Kehidupan itu memangnya harus membosankan, ya?” Atau, “Apa sih gunanya pernikahan?” Bahkan bisa jadi mempertanyakan hal yang paling sulit ditemukan jawabannya, “Tuhan ini laki-laki atau perempuan, sih?”

Sisanya kami akan bolak balik saling mengingatkan, “Soulmate itu bukannya ditakdirkan bersama?” Lalu dari situ, seringnya diskusi akan berlanjut dengan menelusuri–atau lebih tepatnya mengenang–pengalaman sekali seumur hidup masing-masing menemukan the-rare-kindred-spirit. Tak akan habis pembahasan. Bisa jadi berbelok ke masa-masa di Bandung yang cukup kelam sekaligus mengubah hidup. Cerita tentang pernah makan nasi bungkus berdua karena sisa uang sudah mulai menipis. Kisah tentang pertengkaran paling parah dalam sejarah––waktu itu saya mengusirnya dari rumahnya sendiri, cukup absurd kalau dipikirkan lagi jernih-jernih. Berlanjut ke sebuah kenangan pertama kali kami bertemu, yang ternyata dimulai jauh lebih awal dari momen resminya sendiri. 

Seringkali kami juga memikirkan, “Kenapa tidak ada yang romantis di Jakarta?” Pertanyaan yang sebenarnya lebih berupa keluhan. Sebuah ketidakpuasan akan bagaimana pada akhirnya kami menghabiskan begitu banyak energi, untuk mencoba menjalani urusan-urusan yang tidak lagi melibatkan hati. Kemudian kami akan melontarkan teori-teori omong kosong tentang passion, determinasi, kemapanan, hingga ketuhanan yang tak sesuai kenyataan. Toh akhirnya kami pasrah menjalani keseharian yang begitu-begitu saja. Bahkan seringnya berjauhan, terpisah dunia pekerjaan. Tidak bisa selalu saling mengingatkan kalau hidup perlu di-pause sesekali, untuk pencet tombol play pada pemutar musik, dan lalu menari kecil tanpa konteks yang jelas.

Katanya itulah bagaimana manusia beranjak dewasa, menua dalam konsep umur. Mulai melupakan hal-hal kecil yang menghangatkan hati, karena terlalu sibuk memikirkan keduniaan yang seringnya membuat rasa jadi kelewat beku. Mulai menghiraukan uniknya ritme nafas sendiri, terengah-engah karena tidak sadar ikut arus yang dibuat orang lain. Mulai menidurkan pikiran-pikiran intens yang menggerakkan jiwa, atas nama hidup yang memaksa terus bangun meski tanpa idealisme. Mulai bergerak berlawanan arah, demi berlari menemukan tujuan yang tidak kunjung jelas ujungnya. 

Mungkin salah satu dari semua hal di atas, atau perpaduan semuanya, yang menjauhkan kami dari kegemaran kami akan obrolan setengah empat pagi. Namun kalau memang itu arti menua, saya paham kenapa dari dulu kami selalu menolak menjadinya.

***

Dalam sebuah kesempatan akhirnya kami berhasil mengetahui, orang buta bermimpi tidak melalui apa yang pernah dilihat, tapi lewat apa yang didengar dan dirasakannya. Sebuah jawaban yang melegakan. Terbukti secara ilmiah kami tidak tahu pasti, yang jelas mengetahui siapa saja bisa merasakan sensasi mimpi itu lumayan mengangkat beban pikiran. 

Sebelumnya saya akan sengaja mengalihkan fokus dengan pertanyaan lain yang lebih mudah dijawab, “Mau pesen mekdi nggak?” Di tengah obrolan setengah empat pagi? "Iya. Kenapa nggak?"

***

"When I close my eyes

You come through, you

Time just deepens, sweetens

And mends old friends

We all melt back into the picture

Raindrops back into the water, old friends

And there are no ends to old friends

Amen..." 

--Old Friends, Coldplay.

2020: The year of firsts.

Saying good mornings to plants and pet fish, while deciding which pyjamas to wear for today’s zoom meetings. If this is the new kind of normality people are talking about, I’m digging it!

***

It is crystal clear that 2020 is not the best of years. It’s too unpredictable, too volatile to be someone’s favourite. It took too many, also. Jobs, sanity, lives. Not to mention it took away our normality just like that. Like look how many hours I spent in the kitchen now.

Normally, a trip to the kitchen was always about reaching the pantry because I’m hungry in the middle of the night and losing my demons; instant noodles. Or heading straight to the fridge––opening and closing its doors—just because I’m bored––and also hungry, I’m always hungry. 

But now, for the first time ever, I voluntarily go to the kitchen to make food from scratch. Prepping everything fresh with my own two hands instead of ordering in. Spending hours and hours, standing in front of the stove, before I can actually eat something. And I’m doing it without any pressure from anyone. I want to, I’m looking forward to it, sometimes even plan what I want to cook the night before. How that it's normal, I thought.

***

But cooking wasn’t nearly all my firsts in 2020. There also these plants and fish I adopted. Watering them every morning, crying over the ones that can’t make it because of I-don’t-know-what.  Feeding a pair of fish I named Phoenix and Wolfgang, with blood worms. Talking to them, playing some of my fave music to them.

Working from bed. Eating in bed. Sleeping anywhere in the room. Watching underrated animes. Listening to Weezer. Shopping for home wear. Saying hi to my kost neighbour. Smoking a pack a day. Smoking zero pack a week. Scrolling instagram until I sprained my thumb. 

A lot of firsts, a lot of firsts. Overwhelmingly a lot to mention. But I felt great about it. Toxic positivity? Too confused to be depressed? Can’t say. I’d say I just like to have my firsts again. It reminds me of my almighty 20s. Where life seems easy and exciting. Who knows we need 2020 to feel youthful again.

***

The kind of normality like your good morning text. I wish it still meant like the first of them used to be. Good morning, you.

***

"You might think that it's too long

You might think that you're not strong

Was it real or was it fake?

And never call it a mistake

And when it happens late

A little patience all it takes

The road that bends will soon be straight

Good things come to those who wait

Tomorrow turns to yesterday

The sun will rise another day

All your problems go away..."

--Good Things, Zee Avi.

The Almighty Human Heart

Human heart is the almighty of the all might. It could beat for no reason or even all the wrong reasons. It could also beat for one particular person or maybe more than it could handle.

---

But human heart, it never weakens, it gets stronger. Even if you let someone took a half of it from you and never came back, it will grow to love again. 

Maybe not for others, but more to yourself.

---

Sebuah Surat Terbuka untuk Perempuan Lain.

Apa yang kamu pikir kamu tahu tentang dia?

Sepersekian hidupnya yang dia bagi denganmu? 

Sepersekian cara pandangnya yang kamu pikir segalanya?

Sepersekian ambisi dan cita-citanya yang terdengar memukau di telingamu?

Sepersekian masalahnya, yang kamu pikir bisa selesaikan, semudah berkirim salam dengannya?
Sepersekian cerita-ceritanya yang membuat sepenggal sore di parkiran motor, jadi terasa seperti selamanya untukmu?

Sepersekian waktu sarapan, makan siang dan makan malam, yang kamu pikir bisa jadi keseluruhan waktunya?

Sepersekian kebersamaan yang ingin kamu perlihatkan pada dunia namun tak dia ijinkan?

Sepersekian kisah kami yang kamu tolak untuk pahami?

***

Apa yang kamu pikir kamu tahu tentang dia, hanya sepersekian hal-hal yang tanpa sadar dia bagikan, karena kamu memaksa ada. Tapi aku dan dia––kami––kami berbagi sebuah hal yang lebih besar; cerita tentang masa depan. Yang secara sadar dibangun bersama sejak lama. Yang dengan atau tanpa kamu, nyatanya masih ada.

***

Dan kamu, pulang lah. Di sini tidak pernah dan tak akan pernah ada tempat untuk kerumitan, apalagi untuk yang lain.

"Laras hati

Alirkan diri kembali

Membujur tubuhku

Sejuk pangkuan dirimu

Tak ingin terbungkus

Terbungkus penyesalan

Puing-puing janjiku

Kupugar kembali untukmu

Segala denyut nadi memanggil

Kamulah satu-satunya

Kamulah…"

––Kamulah Satu-Satunya, Dewa 19

[Second] Chances.

About second chance and many other chances in the world. Only a thin line separates them, second chance is earned not given.

***

In life we live on chances.

The ones the universe made falling onto our laps. The ones we take responsibly, because we know they have to be worked on. The ones with consequences on their own, even if it’s still mysterious to be known.

In life, sometimes we also live on second chances.

The ones we take from those who still have the courage to believe in us. The ones we take with a humility and care, knowing they have to be earned. The ones with consequences on their own, clearly just because we know we blew up those firsts and we can’t afford to blow it up again.

Chances and second chances. The same, yet completely different. There are kindness in both of them. Only, in second chances, there are forgiveness that make them harder to be carried around.

***

I kept thinking about how many second chances people deserve to take. How many a person deserve to give. What if second chance is never meant to be pleural?

***

"Tried to rewrite things and go back

to the part where things were alright

Wish you tell me don't wanna love me from the start

Now why don't you just turn back if you can't love me when we're down
Back to you
Will never feel the same, i think it's time
To let go
Every broken things that we are..."

––Don't (Love Me) - Coldiac

The sacred trifecta of relationship.

Relationship is all about, love, trust & lust. Like most of trifectas in this world—I believe all things has its own—it’s a myth to get the equilateral triangle. 

***

Working in a creative industry made me quite aware with the concept of ‘sacred trifecta’. We weren’t using it just to convince stubborn clients on budget or deadlines, it’s a real thing. Quality, time & budget, those are the main aspects that determine the output. And—like all the good things in this world—you can’t have it all.

You want maximum quality? Put extra time, in tight budget. Or vice versa. Limited budget in a time constrain, say good by to quality. That simple. There is no such a thing as cheap, fast and good creative output. It’s easy, you tighten some, you loose some. Fair and simple, no?

***

To me, the relationship is something that has quite similar concept. You want the quality relationship that makes love last longer? Put the trust first, and you can take it easy in the lust factor—not having sex in a while is okay. Or when the trust is somehow evaporates, let lust be the first intuition—ever heard of make up sex? 

That simple? Maybe, yes. Fair? Not really. 

Of course we expect relationships to be perfect, equal, balance. Unconditional love, full of trust, and lusty thrusting—yea you know what I mean. But so they say, expectation is the root of all disappointments. You just had to realised that you CAN NOT have it all. And that’s why trifecta is invented—I guess. 

But the thing is with the sacred trifecta, it’s not rigid, it’s dynamic. Adjust along the way as you need it to be. Don’t be a stubborn client that fixated on one aspects only or even worse, the greedy ones that want to stretch everything. 

***

Image taken from: here.

Hey, where’s the place for a little magic, moments and grand gestures?
Well, I think there’s another set of trifecta for that—the soulmate sacred trifecta. ;p

Masalahnya tentang rindu.

Masalahnya tentang rindu adalah jika dia yang dirindukan sama sekali tak merasakan. Dan rindu yang bertepuk sebelah tangan, tak ada yang lebih menyakitkan.

***

Seandainya rindu punya jadwal, dia tak akan datang diam-diam.

Seandainya rindu punya tanda, dia tak akan datang di saat terlengah.

Seandainya rindu punya aturan, dia tak akan datang mengetuk di tengah malam.

Seandainya rindu punya warna, dia pasti ungu tua seperti adukan berbagai jenis rasa.

Seandainya rindu punya bau, dia pasti wanginya seperti percampuran tanah saat hujan dan tembakau yang terbakar setengah.

Seandainya rindu punya bentuk, dia akan terus melebar seperti tetesan air mata yang jatuh di atas bantal tak terkendali.

Seandainya rindu bisa mendengar,

Akan kusuruh dia menyelinap ke mimpimu.

Dan lalu kamu pun mengerti,

Tak enak rasanya rindu sendiri.

***

Masalahnya tentang rindu adalah dia pilih kasih.

Dia hanya datang untuk mereka yang tengah patah hati.

***

"Tenggelam aku di rupamu

Ke palung rindu yang tersemu

Tak ada ruang yang tersisa dalam sendu

Tersimpan batas saat sayu mengadu

Kuingin kepadamu..." 

--Danilla, 'Terpaut oleh Waktu'

A freeloader.

It has been sunny all day, but then the rain pours down as if the sky understands what I feel. I’ve been holding up, but then I can’t help but burst all the tears down.

***

She woke up with dizzy fuzzy head. Puffy eyes too, her eyes were sore. Not that she cared. The only one that stung so bad she couldn’t ignore was inside her chest. The place where she put him so deeply, so dearly.

So deep, until sometimes it’s hard to reach in and express the feeling the way it should. So dearly, until intentions to smother him near were the only thing that came out.

She knew she couldn’t blame him.

He was just too nice, too warm, too cozy. Too everything that made her feel welcomed every time they locked eyes.

But that morning she realised one thing. That she had overstayed her welcome. She was a free-loader. Came knocking his door with nothing to give in arms and asking for so much in return.

She also knew, ‘now’ was too late to offer him anything back, except the space she occupied for too long in him. So she walked out through the door. Trying to hold it all together until the time he decides to open up again.

***

I look up to the sky. Hoping I would be able to send you my sorry through it.
I'm sorry, I truly do.

***

"All I have, I will give to you
In dark times when no one wants to
I will give you me
And we'll be
Us

All I have, I will give to you
In dark times when no one wants to
I will give you me
And we'll be
Us
And there's no one else

Who knows me
Like you do
All I've done, you've done too
The walls I
Hide behind
You walk through
You just walk through

Well I know all the words
To take you apart
You know I know you're hurt
I want to mend your heart
You're broke down
Why don't you tell me from the start?
You know I know you're hurt
I want to mend your heart
And there's no one else."

--Our Song, The XX.